What Worlds Were Wandering When I Was Hungering

  The distance between space and time, between matter and the infinite void, can be summed up in one letter of the Hebrew alphabet. That these letters have meaning and that there are 52 of them in God's name does not seem to have much impact on me except for in the unconscious. My mind seems to become unglued when  trying to comprehend the vast infinitude of the universe while studying Torah. That is the major reason I decided to study Torah one letter at a time. These letters make up words, but even more so, they are pictographs of ideas that are known in the living universe.
  There is so much cosmic knowledge out there and so much garbage that it is hard to tell the genuine from the fake and malicious. I choose to study by myself mostly, and with those I trust, mainly because when I am studying Torah I am in a vulnerable spiritual state. Almost anything can pervade my thoughts whilst studying infinite wisdom, so I choose to study with people I care about and the ones I know will not take advantage of my open attitude to the world. Studying Torah and kabbalistic wisdom has primarily been restricted to only Jewish students. But what is the definition of Jewish in these terms? Those that have put fences around the torah and of holy living in their daily lives. Those that respect that Torah is truth and have studied enough to know not to mess around with flights of fancy when it comes to embedding these thoughts in our mind.
  There is another type of studying I've done. It is when I am semi-unhinged, and clinging to strings of sanity. When I have taken the dive off of the cliff and allow the wind to speak to me. It is more of an aboriginal approach but one that I have found to be backed up by Torah after years and years to attain perspective. This is also ancient wisdom, and the same knowledge that guided the Israelites through the desert. It is one of knowing and reproach, a gut instinct that every human has, but without discipline can land a person in jail or the insane asylum. It is the feeling of the age, the feeling of the world and God around you, allowing you open perspective on every aspect of life. Funny enough, this type of wisdom does not depend on being fragile in the moment of encounter. It requires one to be brave and discerning, and also allows a person to study with anyone around them, even a simple tree frog. It is dangerous to know the tree frog is beautiful yet can emit poison at the same time.
  Study, or learning, learning from the world around, is an important aspect of my life. One that I yearn for like the dearest friend. It is compatibility. It is friendship.

Whatchu Talking 'Bout Will Us?

  After searching and struggling, and struggling and searching, the search and struggle become a shuffle and dance, and with these words I prance into the midnight, not knowing whether to stop or go or too and fro...
  I love drugs.  I would like to send a positive message out to the children about proper drug use, but it becomes lost in the haze when coupled with all of the bad choices and spurrious lifestyle that can come with drug abuse. I was in Narcotics Anonymous for seven years after 15 years of using drugs.  I was a lost soul when I found NA and I believed it was because of the drugs for many years. What I was really looking for was guidance and self love, but when you use drugs its hard to find anything in reality.
  I learned later that it dates back to the bible the idea of taking a vow of abstinence from things that draw you downward. In the Gemara it is called Nazirus, and so I was a Nazurite for seven years of my life.  It was truly helpful to me, the meetings and the comrodary, and I may have still been there today if my life hadn't lacked something that I could not see without the use of drugs. I am not saying lightning or gravity changed my life, but it did.
  I am not using drugs right now but that is only because I am on probation for misdemeanor possession of marijuana, and I can say that I truly was possessed. I became an animal on drugs once I started using them again, mainly because it had been seven years outside of the lifestyle. Once accustomed though, my life settled down quite a bit. The city government actually legalized, or decriminalized the use of pot in my district, so now, once I am off probation, I am kind of looking forward to smoking weed again, I even qualify for the medical marijuana card because of my arthritis. Yet I don't truly know if it is a good idea for me to smoke again, even though I crave it.
  As for other drugs, I think experimentation can be a positive thing, yet it can also be very dangerous. There is the possibility of never coming back from too much experimentation with drugs, and I feel kids today get involved with drugs at too early of an age. Yet these children learn from the leaders of the community like myself, so what else are they to think but that drugs are a positive endeavor.  The key is that drugs are not a positive endeavor, they draw on the dark side of the natural forces of the universe, something that children do not need to delve into when they are 12 and 13. Children need the light forces of the universe until much later in their life. They need to be nurtured and thrive in the good and positive things in their lives, until they reach the point of self exploration and utter darkness that drugs can manifest.
  There would be some people who would say that there is no need for any darkness in life, that life should be full of light all the time, yet that is not the nature of the universe. In order to thrive within the universe and the world, a man must delve into the darker powers and forces that exist here.  The world is awash in darkness, that if not handled properly, can overwhelm the individual and send them to an early grave. The heavenly light of the godly power is here to help individuals realize and enliven their brains to the idea that there are other energies in the world beside what lies beneath their own power. If not tempered by the darkness however, these holy lights can lead to a life of endless desperation and futility. Balance is what is needed, and learned over time, by all men.
  On my own path, I am quite happy to live without drugs right now, yet I feel the need to search more into my wild side, and ponder the questions I have lived with since my youth. If I am a virile man, why is it I am limited by the people surrounding me? I know they have the best interests of everyone at heart, but why is it that I cannot logically slip the bonds of sanity without cause destruction? And...If I am to live a happy life on this planet, with all my faculties in check, how can I increase my lust for life and satisfaction that should come naturally, yet I have to work diligently to keep my spirits aloft and keep reaching for greater accomplishments?

The Wrecking Ball of Time

  After having gone through some harrowing ordeals in the past couple of weeks....I bring to my 37th year a new perspective on what it's like to be alive. For the first time I feel I have some control over my own destiny, not being hampered by the whims and free fall that I have experienced in the past three years. My discovery of fusion is still on the table in many markets, but I fear my recompense for said discovery has been long in coming, and possibly long to come. I have writhed and railed at my lack of funds for so long that I seem to have forgotten what has put me in this great position I am now in today. That being a full and vigorous lust for life that goes beyond the bounds of monetary value.
  I chased after Orthodox Judaism with a zest and vigor many years ago. I wanted to absorb every detail and every bit of wisdom that I could. For seven years I dedicated my self to getting better as a person and shoring up the defects that were present in my character  Now a player on the world stage I am still searching for what satisfies me, and that may be only the love and loves of my life, together with outrageous fortune.
  I believe my time is coming and that I will not longer feel the sting of being under privileged and poor. With my lack of monetary resources there is a certain humility, but I would not give up wealth to try and immitate the life of a perfectly righteous individual. I still have my faults, but I believe with God's help and my own immutable perseverance  I will realize my dreams this year and for many years to come. This 37th birthday finds me happy and healthy, with wisdom and fortune on their way....

Clouds of Mystery Surround the Golden Chalice

  Somewhere in the deep dark mysteries of the universe, lies the one true and only truth that surrounds all of us and makes us aware of our being. Perhaps this truth was already uncovered with my discovery, or perhaps this discovery leads us to worlds beyond the capacity of the imagination. It is the job of the entertainment industry, movies, television, and music to reach beyond the totality of what seems like existence, and bring ourselves to the foothold of the well beyond. Maybe it is a type of insanity that brings us closer to the edge of knowable existence. Or maybe it is sanity, plain and utter sanity to maintain our existence as a species.

  From what I know of politics, ideas such as these suffer the grounding of realism and thought provoking negligence. By negligence I mean negating what could be for what is actual reality. Yet there are some politicians out there who still maintain the outlook of the youthful and exuberant  They seem with cheery smiles and approach the future and the present with childish good humor, all the while recognizing that the giant machinery of the government holds partial weight of the entire world on it's shoulders. These are the politicians who's eyes are focused on what we are teaching the next generation of explorers, scientist, theorists  and teachers of tomorrow. For them I would wish to impart a lesson and a legacy of an uplifted spirit.

  When the tasks and turmoils of the day seem repetitive and obscure. When the harbingers of a new day bring calamity and destruction, or at least the presence of destruction. Do not forget that for the first time a young child is smelling a flower for the first time, or reaching into a body of water. Do not forget that for the first time a young girl is learning how to dance with her mother. Do not forget that the children of today, and the teachers of tomorrow still have dreams and passion inside that if not cared for correctly, can go astray to the lands of lasciviousness and apathy. It is these dreams of the children, and their inspiration, along with singing on the sidewalk, can boost your sails and unburden you from the weight of seemingly impossible trudgery. It is the dreams of the children and their children's dreams that keep this world spinning at a pace that science and humanity have not conquered as of yet. But there is still time.

What With All This Agony....

  Pain in life is sure to come? Or do we put ourselves into our own demented cycle of pain that rears it's ugly head when we do not reach perfection? Once I thought of life as all painful. Every creek or strain that I came upon was like the crashing down of thunder upon my head and I searched for a way to somehow extricate myself from anything that was disturbing.
  Today my life is relatively pain free, and I do not know if it is because my attitude changed or because I have some how met my life's goals and I am living in the relaxation that I am a fulfilled person. Yet to myself, I have not reached total perfection or total fulfillment. I enjoy the struggles of life today, but that may only be a silent reprieve for hell weather yet to come. I pray my life is pain free, but from the deepest struggles of my life have come some of my greatest accomplishments.
  To writ; life is good today, but that does not guarantee me the benefit of a pain free life for my whole existence. Only my attitude, wherewithal, and help from my loved ones will I be able to enjoy and thrive in my lifestyle and living. Today, I am one with the nature of giving and good that comes with being in the light of Hashem, and for that I am grateful.

Botched But Not Bothered

  Some would say that the transient force of energy that runs through human bodies can be manipulated and predetermined by the haphazard use of street drugs or by the manipulating minds of the scientific community. My first encounter with my own outwardly reaching force of my mind coupled with my body came because of my desire to use such force.  I was told by many men, that people did not live outside of their bodies and that such force did not exist. Yet I was determined to find the answer to the questions that plagued my mind and donned the over reaching forces of the movie complexes I frequented as a child.
  My first step in the direction of controlling outer entities with my inner desires was thrust upon my I believe by the United States Navy. I was in a depression at the University of Michigan not knowing where to go or what to do with my goals and desires. I was put on a anti depressant which alleviated some of my wayward thoughts. This medication too also changed my mind chemistry so that the voices I heard from a far seemed to have relevance to my particular situation no matter how far the voices were. I was intrigued at first, more determined to master the control of my thoughts than any thought or hope that they were to over take me. Once inside my brain, I realized these forces or thought patterns were able to be manipulated by the inner workings of my brain.
  The faint hope that these inner forces were able to be mastered belied my naivete with the concept in general. They are called "voices in my head" and are utilized by many in the mental health sector of society. The problem is, such forces are usually far beyond the scope and realm of adherence to any one particular individual's power to overcome them. I have been working thirteen years to control the "voices in my head" and now I have found particular reason to attempt to capitalize on my given power to overcome them.

What Time Forgot.

  The ill repute and underlying angst of the African Nations are once again brought to the forefront with renewed trade with Africa and the Western Hemisphere. Such enterprises are fraught with an anticipatory texture and renascence, some would say overbearing, nuisance to the higher powers but laced with indignity on the forefront of their enterprise. However, these unduly remarks do not beget and translucent animosity to such endeavors. It is the capital of the new world and free enterprise.