What Worlds Were Wandering When I Was Hungering

  The distance between space and time, between matter and the infinite void, can be summed up in one letter of the Hebrew alphabet. That these letters have meaning and that there are 52 of them in God's name does not seem to have much impact on me except for in the unconscious. My mind seems to become unglued when  trying to comprehend the vast infinitude of the universe while studying Torah. That is the major reason I decided to study Torah one letter at a time. These letters make up words, but even more so, they are pictographs of ideas that are known in the living universe.
  There is so much cosmic knowledge out there and so much garbage that it is hard to tell the genuine from the fake and malicious. I choose to study by myself mostly, and with those I trust, mainly because when I am studying Torah I am in a vulnerable spiritual state. Almost anything can pervade my thoughts whilst studying infinite wisdom, so I choose to study with people I care about and the ones I know will not take advantage of my open attitude to the world. Studying Torah and kabbalistic wisdom has primarily been restricted to only Jewish students. But what is the definition of Jewish in these terms? Those that have put fences around the torah and of holy living in their daily lives. Those that respect that Torah is truth and have studied enough to know not to mess around with flights of fancy when it comes to embedding these thoughts in our mind.
  There is another type of studying I've done. It is when I am semi-unhinged, and clinging to strings of sanity. When I have taken the dive off of the cliff and allow the wind to speak to me. It is more of an aboriginal approach but one that I have found to be backed up by Torah after years and years to attain perspective. This is also ancient wisdom, and the same knowledge that guided the Israelites through the desert. It is one of knowing and reproach, a gut instinct that every human has, but without discipline can land a person in jail or the insane asylum. It is the feeling of the age, the feeling of the world and God around you, allowing you open perspective on every aspect of life. Funny enough, this type of wisdom does not depend on being fragile in the moment of encounter. It requires one to be brave and discerning, and also allows a person to study with anyone around them, even a simple tree frog. It is dangerous to know the tree frog is beautiful yet can emit poison at the same time.
  Study, or learning, learning from the world around, is an important aspect of my life. One that I yearn for like the dearest friend. It is compatibility. It is friendship.